I'll make this real quick.

Jan. 25
Arrived at school by 1 or 2pm. Meet up with Ciara. Then went to school and waited for the others.
We had a mass. Then we waited. By 6pm, we left the school and traveled to Ilocos. We had our first stop over in NLEX i think...? then second stop was the lugaw stop which is in Tarlac then the last one was the hotel something in Ilocos Sur i think. cont----

Jan. 26
After the stop in the Hotel something for peeing or watevs, we went straight to Pagudpud. It was really a happy moment for me because for the first time after some years, i saw a beach. And it was really pretty. I want to take a little swim but no, i don't want to be darker plus i don't have clothes to change. I had to change my footwear too, so i asked the Bus driver if is it okay to open the baggage thingy. He was really nice, we kinda had a little chat too. Then my red sandal kinda became broken. So i had no choice but to use my slippers.
Ah, this guy im kind of interested (just interested, because no matter how i try to deepen my way of thinking, it's not a crush) i always see him ah. == and sometimes i always look at him but seriously, it's not a crush or something. I'm still processing it.
Then the buffet sucks tho so i took Milo instead.
After that, we went to the Windmill. And it was beautiful as well.
We only went to this chinese restaurant but i didn't eat cuz idk.
Next was the Kapurpurawan Rock Formation. It was pretty... and very windy. What i enjoyed the most was the Horse Back riding and i only payed 50php because it was originally 100. ;u;
After that i think is we went back to the hotel. I was in charge of the key, so im really glad. Our room was A203.
Then after a little orientation we went to.. i forgot the name of the restaurant but we had a buffet there. Then when we went back to the hotel, i took the key then as i was running, one told me "Ate wag ka tumakbo matatapilok ka niyan" i looked back and yeap i did tripped. Good thing about me always tripping is that, i manage to stand again. Idk i've been very clumsy for a year now. Or so.

Jan. 27
We woke up 4:30am. Chie took a bath first. Then me. Then Ciara. Then by 6am, we had our breakfast and it was gawddamn good. Then we went to uh... house of marcos. this is where my day became disappointed. We had a picture taking, and i dont want to be in it. But people were forcing me so i have no choice (plus the father was the one who asked me) then i heard people saying stuffs about me. I lost control about my feelings. I was scared, cuz they were judging me ( hypocrite of me tho, i judge people a lot too so this is what i seriously deserve, despite that, i still judge people ) and i couldn't help it. I wanted to cry but i have to NOT cry. So i plugged in my earphones and have the music at its loudest. I have to calm down. Before that tho, someone asked me.

"Why dont you want to take pictures? ( it was the person i'm kind of interested with )"
I told him "It's because i'm not used to it."
Then he said "But you're fine with solo?"
I replied "Of course not! Haha!"

Then after that, i left the group and stayed outside. Because i have to calm myself down. But i can't. I went to the bus to calm down and tell myself to not cry. But because my friend so me, she asked me if i'm okay then i honestly told her i'm not. And there, i started crying.

I tried to calm myself down, then over the next stop, i didn't left the bus. I think we went to a Empanada stop?? The driver asked me if i'm okay, i told him i'm good. Then he left the air con open. After my blockmates are back, my friend gave me an empanada. Then suddenly, the guy that i least expect to be nice to me, gave me an empanada. He told me

"Eto, para sayo." and i was like "...."
"Di ka daw kasi bumaba."
"Thanks..." ( I'm the only person who was surprised, his friends as well. they were saying "Bait naman ni Daniel!!" ) so, i'm sincerely thankful. But i wasnt able to finish them. I had to throw them away.

Then we went to this uh... Chichacorn making? But i just stayed there so i took a nap. Then suddenly i heard that they were scared of me cuz i was taking a nap and one saw my hand and said "Uy, kamay yun diba" they thought it was a ghost or something. ( i think it was Paolo who thot )

Then next stop was uh... i forgot.Then we're back to Marcos museum i think??? AND I SAW HIS DEAD BODY OMIGAD IT LOOKS LIKE IT WAS A FAKE BUT THEY SAID IT'S TRUE AND FILLED WITH WAX SAKIDFHCSIJDGHIUDRFHG THAT'S SO FUCKING CREEPY KASJDFHSIUHG

( and always on all of my ways, i always see that guy. and maybe some of it was i was kinda looking for him idk man i dont understand myself. all i know is that i'm interested in him. )

Then while we're in Marcos museum, i have to throw the empanada. So as i was on my way back to the bus, there was someone in front of me but i want to go back to my sit already so suddenly i tripped down. Some laughed at me which is i dont mind cuz i always trip down. Then i took the empanada i have then again, i tripped down. Then he told me "Kanina ka pa natatapilok" or "Lagi ka nalang natatapilok" and i was but i just ignored cuz i was too focused on throwing the empanada. Then after Marcos Museum, we went to the Sand Dunes thingy.

It looks exciting. And very windy as well. Then when we're about to ride, i ended up being in the front seat. Which is really boring and disappointing. Then after that we had to take a break ( snacks ) so as i was about to go the van, i once again, tripped down, and i almost died because there was a car. I manage to stand on my feet tho. And that i realize, being clumsy is FUCKING dangerous. Then after that, i went to the bus and suddenly THEY WERE LIGHTING UP THE SKY LANTERNS AND I WANNA SEE THEM SO BAD THAT WE RAN THROUGH THE SAND DUNES but sadly tho, there werent any available Sky Lanterns. But it's okay, because seeing how the other people light up the sky lanterns and trying to make it fly was really funny.

Then after that, we went back to the hotel and started the Socialization Party. But i was too embarrassed about my clothes and myself that i didn't went the event. I was able to wear the dress outside tho, then while thinking if i should still go to the event, the guy im interested with, SUDDENLY SAW ME WALKING AROUND AT THE CORNER OF THE A SIDE OF THE HOTEL. I WAS IDK i dont really feel anything but when he saw me i was really surprised. And i was wondering why did he went to that area instead when he can just go to the other side because he's nearer there. == Then after that, i decided to stay in the room and change clothes. Seeing ( more like hearing ) how happy they are, i took a little peek. And it seems they're having fun. Not that i care. Then after that, i just watched Pitch Perfect in HBO. Then my roommates came back. So again, i freely took a stroll. And i saw him with his friends.. lol of course. And after the event, and the lower part of the pool side, there's a bar and a karaoke. But i just left i there. I went back to my room.

Jan. 28
We woke up by 6:30 and it really did surprised me. Then i took a bath. Then after my roommates woke up, i went straight to the function room to eat cuz im hella hungry. Then by 9am or 10am, we checked out in the hotel aww ;u;
We went to uh... Juan Luna's house and saw his paintings. tho it's just a replica.
Then the we went to uh... Quirino's Mansion?? the first Malancanang of the North. The we saw a Ming Dysnaty treasure...? i forgot. And it has the seal of the emperor. And everything there is original so it's really cool. Plus creepy.
After that we went to..... idk i forgot already.
All i remember is that we went to Vigan. Bought souvenirs. Then we went back to the bus and saw Andrei and Embet i think...? changing clothes. They told me to look back but i told them i don't really mind if guys change clothes in front of me. So they did. Besides i still won't see them anyway cuz it's kinda dark. Then Embet asked me if i can remove his pants, but i pointed his socks then suddenly he said "Ay wag nalang. Awkward eh" AND MY FRIENDS UNDERSTOOD BUT I DIDN'T I MEAN WHAT'S AWKWARD ABOUT THAT i was just helping.. ==
Then after that, we watched the Dancing Fountain. then Off we go.
Then we left Vigan and on our way back to Letran cont----

Jan. 29
I lend this guy my cardigan cuz he seems really cold. Then one asked him where he got it, then he told me it's from me. I think one asked me why i lend it to him, then i just honestly told him that he seems cold so i just let him borrow my cardigan then they started teasing him. And i dont even know if it's my fault or wat. ;A; he seems embarrassed idk. Then slept again.

Then by 5am, we arrived at Letran. I'm having troubles of going home cuz my parents wont fetch me. Good thing the bus' way is through Tungko or Fairview. So i ride along. And again, the guy that i'm interested.. is there.

Then i just noticed that we talked twice for the whole trip. ( more like once, the 2nd one was like a comment )
Then there was one, during the Hanging Bridge ( It was during Day 2, Jan. 27 ) that someone was kinda playing around my hair. It was err.. i forgot his name. I used to find him interesting. AND OHMYGLOB I ACCIDENTALLY TOUCHED HIS THIGH CUZ I THOUGHT IT'S THE ARM OF THE CHAIR AHHHHHH but he's a nice guy. He talks to me and i'm glad ;u;

So that's it for our tour. Overall, it was okay. I'm happy in some sort of ways. CUZ I SAW A TIGER ALOFHCSAIUDIDURHGR THEY'RE SO FUCKING CUTE. and cuz i saw a lot of things that made me consider my Firsts. And maybe cuz i can get to see him a lot.... idk. I really dont know.

Labels: EVENTS

Hello guise.
(i had a haircut it happened on Jan. 5 then after that school's back by the 6th.)

anyway, Hello again. I just have to update my blog for some realization i had last night. Because of that, i hated myself so much more. I feel so disgusted about myself. Again, i am down. Not depressed though, just down. But i think i'm going there. and maybe again, sooner, suicidal. AGAIN.

My life's such a drama, i know. I'm sorry about that. But then, please excuse.

Tuesday (Jan, 7). we got our results in TM about that long tests. I know many of us failed ( in fact, only 2 of the 40+ of us, passed ) As for my score, i literally got 17/100. At first i ddin't feel bad about it, but then my cheatmates got 30+ higher than me. Even though i cheated a little, it made me feel so stupid and dumb. It made me feel so down.

Then yesterday, right after our culinary, i was kinda happy but not that much because i was able to talk to the guy im kinda interested with. Then after our class it's time to clean and i was once again left alone in my group to do all the cleaning. Our nearby group who also stays in the same station as us told me that i shouldn't be too nice. I don't know what to say but i know that i shouldn't but i just can't help it. I know i felt something wrong about that word. It felt empty. Too empty.

Then it's time to go home and since Quiapo was doing this tradition about the nazareno thing, then from Lawton, we have to walk to Quiapo. I was kinda happy too since i'll be going home with the guy i'm kinda interested with and luckily yes we did. The three of us go home in the same way, through Fairview. I just have to drop earlier than them.

While they were talking, i heard their scores about their results in TM and yes they also both got 30+ and i feel so down because i feel so stupid. I also kept on apologizing to myself because i'm so awkward and quiet. I don't know i just feel like being sorry about myself.

As i dropped off, i went straight home and i wasn't able to use the internet that much because my cousin has the use the internet and i feel so sleep so i went on ahead. As i was lying on my bed, i suddenly had this feeling of wanting to cry until i finally did cry. And all i could ever thing about was

I'm so lonely.
I'm so stupid.
I hate being nice. Too nice.
I give too much but i receive nothing. I got nothing.
I feel so empty.
I feel so disgusted.
I know myself too much that i hate myself.
I hate myself so much. Too much.

Because i felt so alone. I wanted to have friends but i can't. I'm too scared. I feel so helpless. I realized how lonely i was. So lonely that i can't stop crying. Even writing this now makes me want to cry but i can't. I have to keep up. I don't want to feel weak but i'm so weak inside. I want to breakdown. But i don't know what i should do. I have such few friends. And my social skills are going down to zero. I'm lucky enough that i at least have few friends but i wanted to feel belonged. I want to belong but i can't. They don't like me, so why should i try hard? But it hurts so much. Because it so lonely. I'm so lonely.

I have these a lot of thoughts about myself. I know what i'm thinking about my flaws are true. Because i know myself too much. I'm too aware of how i am. But no one tells me these things. I wanted someone to tell me my flaws but no one does. I want someone to confirm what i really think about myself and it's breaking me down.

I was having a silent breakdown.

I'm trying to change but i just really can't. I can't... I'm so used to being this way that i don't know how to start. I'm so used to people talking to me instead that i do the approach way thing. I don't know. I just feel like saying this because i want to remember what i felt. I want to remember the pain i had last night.

I just don't know okay. All i know is that i'm lonely. How i wish i'd die soon.

Labels: My Feelings

Heeeey!! It's Christmas !! fuck that. there's no christmas in our family. And man seriously it's so depressing.
I woke up by 12pm, my mom's in my room. my brother slept over our laptop, left it open. my dad's no where to be seen, and later on my brother left. my mother's still upstairs, she just comes down if she have to cook or something and here i am... using the computer half the whole day... and updating my blog.

What i did so far today was watch Frankenweenie and i cried a lot. Hug my dogs after that and back to my usual routine. Just downloading my animes. Read Oyasumi Punpun. and my my christmas is fucking depressed. or more like im depressed. i want to die. cuz i just remembered that i have a holiday homework. plus there are some exams waiting for me and fuck this. screw this. seriously.

i dont want to celebrate christmas anymore. oh yea.. i'm an atheist after all.

Labels: Extra:, My Feelings

( why three??? cuz idk. it was written on my phone. )
My friends and i finally had a get together movie marathon thing. :3 We kind of always make these kind of plans during the coming school breaks or holidays. We had a meet up by 8am and i was the first one to arrive (cuz im the closest) next was William but stupidly of me, i forgot something and i have to go back so i did and WIlliam went straight to Jigga's house then took some things and stuff and my mom asked to buy this and that then after that i went straight to Jigga's and William texted us that Chari's there already and fuck i forgot to again remind her about the Wig but oh well she probably did forgot then there i finally arrived at Jigga's house and right after that Jerome came. then we started watching Insidious 2 and it was good.

After that we watched We're the Millers. Then after that we decided to watch Frozen which was suddenly bringing out of the blue but we still went anyway. We went to SM Fairview and yeah bought tickets and we're already inside and few minutes later Jerome told us that he has to leave and we we're so sorry for him cuz he cant watch Frozen with us and most of all he already paid and we're kinda blaming his parents for surprising him but we (they actually) also thank them for giving us some pizza.

After watching Frozen, which was so worth it but much more worth it (for me) if it was in 3D. oh well. we went back to Jigga's house and watched some Videos of Pewds and copied some movies and after that we went home.

This happened during the 23rd of December.

Labels: EVENTS

this time, it happened during the 20th day of December. and it's the UST's Paskuhan. I'll try to make it short too.
i went to UST by 5pm and good thing i saw Nicole she was able to carry me as my pass. then after that William, Nicole and I meet up and we kinda killed some time in BEATO, or the CFAD building watevs. then we waited for Jerome. While we're waiting i saw some kinda costrippers ( Mitsuki, Mirai and others) and i kinda chat to them cuz im really curious and good thing they're nice but they're also conyo. and i love that Mitsuki costripper's wig so much fak.

Anyway, Jerome finally arrived and we hugged cuz i fucking miss that UP bastard. Then we had a little chat and took some pictures and finally we left the building. It also rained a little. Then we took some pictures around the place. We saw a lot of our old classmates and it's fun. It makes me want to study harder because i really want to transfer in UST so bad. Then there we're so many people already and we're hungry but there's nothing to eat so we went to BonChon to eat and killed some time there and by 10pm we went back to UST for the bands thingy. We we're only able to catch up Rico Blanco and Parokya ni Edgar and wow it was fun despite all the mud thingy and my friend's blaming Nicole.

But all in all it was really fun. We went home by 1am

Labels: EVENTS