Goodbye

Apology Accepted....

POSTED ON Saturday, January 30, 2010 AT 6:11 PM \\

January 25, 2010 (Monday)

It was such a sad day.
i mean...
being isolated in school is so hard.
i want to laugh with them but i cant, when i still have this LONELINESS inside me...
its just too PAINFUL

after 6 hours, i went out and i tried to look for Nathaniel, my old classmate when i was in 6th grade. i ask him if how was Job. He told me that.. Job thought that i was... PLASTIC

i was shocked... and i was kind of SAD because he thought of me that way... but i didn't let him notice that it just hurt my feelings... then i let him when to the classroom.

i didn't went to our class yet and Kaye saw me.
i told her that, job threat me that way...
then i just suddenly cry...
some of my classmates saw me. and they said

"She's been quiet this past few days and crying too."

then i just kept quiet and went around the school...
then after a while, i also went back...

DISMISSAL 3:30 pm

i went to the court.
then i saw Nathaniel then i tried to talk to him...
i told him that i really want to apologize to Job but just like what he just said, he thought of me as PLASTIC.
then i just suddenly cry cause it really hurts so much.
Nathaniel told me that i must apologize to him immediately but im too scared...
then i also told him that i want JOB to apologize but...
-sigh-
we just want to apologize to each other...
but JOB thought that maybe i will be PLASTIC over him...
but no...
thats not true...
i would be really happy that he forgiven me already.
then he just said, i should apologize. if i make this thing a little longer. it would just gotten worse...

then ive made up my mind.
i will apologize to him...

January 26, 2010 (Tuesday)

EXAM DAY
then i just thought, i will apologize to him.
but no.
i forgot a one thing.
i will apologize to him through letter and will give him what i used to promise him.
what i promised him is to give him Gray's picture in Harvest Moon. and i also added some pictures...
and now.
its decided.
i will apologize to him, TOMORROW!!!

then after dismissal, i went home immediately and fixed my apology letter.
then i thought,

i wish he'll fogive me through this letter...

January 27 2010 (Wedneday)

last day of our exam in 3rd quarter.
i was kind of late but not really
so i went ahead of our line
then i saw Job next to ours.
i was about to give him the letter
but kind of scared...
but...
i promised to myself that i will apologize
so i get the paper and gave it to him
it was like im a TSUNDURE girl
hate it
but im happy that i gave him.

after that
i went to the classroom

i was so alone. as in ISOLATED
but i didn't mind it after all.
then my classmate called my name he said that Nathaniel is looking for me so i went out excitedly then when i saw him
Nathaniel has a food and a letter in it
he told me that it was from Job and im so happy.
i went back to my seat immediately and read the letter.

the letter said: (oh and the picture of the letter later :P)

SORRY!
To: Ate Kimu Haruki
From: ^-^
Takeru Haruki

"Hello Ate Kim,

Sorry kung wala akong mabibigay sayo kasi bawal sa amin mag print nang mga hndi-importanteng bagay. balak ko sana magbigay sa'yo ng mga pictue ng CLAMP kapalit lahat ng mga pictures na ito sa akin. Sorry kung minsan 'di mo nararandaman ang presence ko, kung minsan pakiramdam mo iniiwan kita. sorry kung minsan bully na ako s iyo. I just want to make fun. To cheer you up, im just trying to cheer up and chase me w/ your fast run [i'm enjoying it] of return, i want you to accept this food/gift to make you happy. I hope you will appreciate this. it's okay if the print is not colored. at least your making me happy.

P.S: may wrong grammar dun sa ginawa mo para sa akin. Kimu Haruki a.k.a ......kid!

- Gomenasai........... Tomodachi

and i was touched that he has forgiven me.
and i have forgiven him as well.
i was crying alone, without anybody noticing it.
but im really happy...
then i kept it, cause its precious to me. it became precious to me...
and i was really happy...

-END-

Note:
other stories of my feelings
please wait for it! ^^

NOTE[translation of the letter]

SORRY!
To: Ate Kimu Haruki
From: ^-^
Takeru Haruki

Hello, Kim

Im sorry if i dont have anything to give you, thats because we're not alowed to print a picture that is not even important. my plan is to give you a picture of CLAMP in exchange for this pictures that u gave me. sorry if sometimes you dont feel my presence, if sometimes you feel that im leaving you behind. sorry if im bullying you sometimes. I just want to make fun. To cheer you up, im just trying to cheer up and chase me w/ your fast run [i'm enjoying it] of return, i want you to accept this food/gift to make you happy. I hope you will appreciate this. it's okay if the print is not colored. at least your making me happy.

P.S: there is a wrong grammar in the letter that you gave me, KIMU HARUKI a.k.a...... KID!

- Im sorry......... my friend

[PICTURE OF THE LETTER]

Labels: My Feelings

Moment of my Sadness has been revealed.... part 2

POSTED ON Saturday, January 23, 2010 AT 9:34 AM \\

January 22, 2010

after that incident
the next day
nobody tries to talk to me..
i mean them...

i felt like i'm so alone in this HUGE WORLD
i want to end my life...

then during our Recess time
i went out, walking around our school
then i saw Dwy and Celline
they try to talk to me
then even at that least moment
i laughed and smile...
but its still painful to smile if you still have that sadness...

then i went to the classroom again so that we can resume our classes

then Lunch again, i went out and walk for a little while
i saw Hayah and Jessica
they talked to me...
well, they comforted me for awhile
then they left me...

i went back to the classroom and was quiet all the time...
until Club Hours has come...
as i went to the my Club, i felt MORE PRESENCE of being Alone...
and i cant stand it
so i went outside again...
i want to cry
but i cant find the reason for me to cry
so i just stay at the canteen and covers my head

then i thought that maybe its time so i went up again
so that we can practice for our preparation in our show..
i was quiet all the time until it was finished...

so i went down and tries to look for Kaye
i saw her
then i told her about it
but i cant keep my emotions anymore
so once again
i cried again...

i cried so hard that i want to shout...
it was 1 pm at that time...
i want to go to that particular place
so i waited for 2 hours...
until i saw my friend Ivan...

i ask him if does he hate me
he says kind of
because what you did was really wrong
then i told him
well what can i do
i was like INSANE on that day
then he said
even so, you still dont have to say that
then i cried...
then he tells me something that
if i just apologized to them and didn't really mean to say it
they will accept my apology
then i cried so hard
cause i thought i can't do it!

so i walked out and cry while riding on a car.
then i went to that particular place.
as i went there
he wasn't there yet
so i waited for a little while until i saw him...
as i saw him and was about to say my problem
i cried so hard and sit down...
then my old friend saw me...

i explain all to them to those who listened...
they said

they are not the only friends that you have
there are still many more.
so there's no need for you to cry.

then i said

but they are my most special friends...
i dont want to lose them..
then they said...

well, just apologize to them
but if you cant then dont apologize.
its just that easy y'know...

then i kept quiet and let my red crying face fade...
then after awhile
i thought

-sigh-
just as i thought
they will be there for me just for that time
then they will left me behind..
well thats okay
at least they listen to my story...

so i went home and thats all for today...

Labels: My Feelings

Moment of my Sadness has been revealed....

POSTED ON Thursday, January 21, 2010 AT 5:55 PM \\

at our COMPUTER CLASS
i was kind of feeling weak and my neck really hurts...
then i went to our place then i talked to my best friend. i mean close friend...

i was feeling down...
then i told her

"You know, you're really... nevermind..."

then i thought that maybe i'm drunk...
so i already said it...

"You know, you really annoy me... i really hate you, You, Paolo, Marc and Clariz. I tried to curse you all, all of the people who are alive. I want to kill them. And that includes the 4 of you. I really hate you since on that day. You we're always making me feel alone, you always left me behind. Its like im a shadow to all of your eyes. I really want you to die! All of you... Remember the email that i send you? I did that cause i cant say it in Personal, im too afraid cause even though i really hate you so much, i still try to be friends with you. Cause im too afraid to be alone. I cant take this loneliness anymore thats why im saying this to you... I really hate you, i wish you will die soon..

thats what i said...
then i suddenly cried when i said those words...
then she said

"Is thats what you think about us? Well, its okay. So stop crying now. And you know im Happy that you tell me that."

"You're happy? i bet your sad cause i feel that way from you...."

"No, why would i be sad. Well, you already said those things. You cant take it back anymore."

"Remember the day when i was bullied when i was in 5th grade? I thought that im such a kind girl to forgive them like that easily. But actually, i kind of still hate the one who started it... i cursed that person.... and i really hate her..."

Then i cried so hard again...
i cried so hard until the Computer subject is done.

as i went down, some of the high school student saw me...
they said my face is so red, and its pretty obvious that i just cried.
then my old school mate saw me and was surprised that she saw me crying.
she ask me why am i crying....
i cant keep it up so i just cried so hard again...
then i told her the reason why im crying...

then after dismissal..
i went down...
then Dwy and Celline saw me they thought i cried cause i loss my favorite anime show or i lost in the Damath game...
then again...
i cant keep my feelings so i just sad and cover my face then i cry so hard again...

i told them about my HATRED towards them.
To Paolo, Marc, Clariz and Kathy...

then my adviser saw me crying..
she ask me why, but i didn't tell her...
she said that i should tell about it tomorrow...
then i agree with it...

i stayed in school for i guess 1 hour to let my red crying face to fade.
then as i went outside...
i saw Goldie, she ask me why am i crying then i said its nothing.
but she dont believe me then she ask me

"Would you like to talk about it? or maybe tomorrow?"

"Lets talk about it now, so tomorrow it will be gone"

so i talked to her...
once again...
i cried...

she said dont worry about it...

then i told her

"But you're also leaving me sometimes... All of you... thats why i hate you all"

then she pats me..

we went to the gate and talked for a little while...
then i thought

i bet she dont care about me, Clariz doesn't really care about me at all

I looked a in the sky and i want to cry again..
then Goldie suddenly said

"You know, Ruth said that Clariz was about to cry so they sang a song for her so she wont cry."

"So does that mean she's sad about it?"

"guess so"

then we watch the volleyball then after awhile
Goldie left me and went to Clariz.
Then she suddenly cry...
while she was crying, i was singing...
i lovely yet lonely tune..

they we're about to leave, all of them
so i just left too...

then i thought

i still dont want to go home yet. i want to spend a little more free and quite time

so i decided to go to the Sunny Villas

so i went there then as i went there
i saw my old friend.
i told him not to tell about my little brother that i went here...
so he just did...

then i walked around then i saw my old friend again.
i told him that i haven't seen him for a year
then someone said

your face kind of change...

then i just smile...

then i went to the court then told him about my sad feelings
that i just went there to kill some time...
so after awhile
i went home already...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

i really feel lonely...
im so sad that i just tell her about it...
i wish that it didn't just happened...
i wish that i just didn't hurt their feelings....

-cries so hard-

i just really wished that i just smile that revealing my real feelings..
i'd rather smile and hide my whole sad feelings than

hurting them...
i wish that i just smile...
even though its very tiring and painful

-cries so hard-

i'd rather disappear than them knowing about it..

or

i'd rather be alone than them to know the whole truth....

what should i do?
-cries so hard-

Labels: My Feelings

Why dont they Understand....

POSTED ON Tuesday, January 19, 2010 AT 4:54 PM \\

My life is quiet and happy before.

But Now, when i knew about that someone to me...i was wondering, why dont they understand that i really DISLIKE that guy...now im so sad... because almost all of them know that he is to me...i told them that i'd prefer an internet boyfriend than him...im lonely because the friend that i trust the most doesn't understand me.and i was so REALLY DISAPPOINTED at him...i almost cry,but no.Cuz if i do that,i will show some weakness.So i just keep that emotion.

and now...

i want them to die...i curse them... (evil look)(evil laugh)

Labels: My Feelings

~1 week of Memories

POSTED ON Monday, January 18, 2010 AT 9:54 PM \\

January 11 until 15, 2010....
-Crying Twice a year

those days that i use to have..
was YEAH.
happy...
but on Friday (January 15, 2010)
i cried...
cuz of someone that i hate so much...
that makes it for my classmates to see me cry TWICE.
i was sad...
well...
i cant say the reason why...
i just wont SPIT it out!
FORCE ME!!! (>o<)

January 17, 2010
-Cool Nightmare

I had this dream.
Me and some of the other sections are in...
something like a meeting hall, but one of my classmates is about to be married.
well, i kind of get upset to them
cuz no one invites me to the altar.
so i went outside then saw ___
i ask her, why is she here...
then she just said "its just nothing"
but before that
as i went outside before that event
i saw the other room, they people their are crying...
dunno why.
but nevermind.

then after awhile
the room exploded.
with a red gaseous atmosphere.
i got a little scared at that moment
then to my surprise...
i saw the people inside the room transfom into a zombie
as what i heared or saw
before they transform
its like they were crying and tries to call for help.
but we cant cause the Zombie Gas is too what do you call this?
well thats it anyway.
i ran and ran.
until we were cornered.
we have no choice but to go the room.
well there only one way out
and that is to jump over the window.
so i tried to break it and then i jump with some of the people who are following me.

as i woke up, i was sweating and my body felt really hot...
then i said,

"Stupid dream, makes me hot very early in the morning. But that's cool! -sigh- I already experience that Dream i guess three times? yeah Three times"

so i just went down and all!

January 18, 2010
-Curse

Today, i was something like...
mad at the other section.
i was quiet, until our teacher came.
then i was able to smile.
but im really mad.

I CURSE THAT SECTION!!! >o<
CURSE THAT F*CKING SECTION!!!

Just because im like that
doesn't mean i am an Epileptic! (>o<)
i so want to kill them...

Labels: 1 week of Memories..., My Feelings

Himawari, a happy and cheerful name. But why is it suffering?

POSTED ON Sunday, January 3, 2010 AT 12:12 AM \\

Himawari

a happy and cheerful name.
that fits a cheerful and innocent girl.
it means "Sunflower"
they must smile to their fullest and let them think they were really happy...

my screen name is Himawari.
because i loved Himawari or Sunflowers..

but...

as time goes bye...

i realized something

why am i crying? why is this emotion called "LONELINESS" flowing over me?

that's what i thought...
then i wonder?

why did i choose this name? Himawari? if im all crying here all alone...

a person who has a name of Himawari suppose to smile at their all best...
i mean, with their real smile...
but why am i here?
crying?

is it because im lonely?
yes...
i am lonely...

-crying so hard-

i want to be happy!
-crying so hard-

but how can i be happy if i have this place?
if i have this place in my heart called loneliness!
-crying so hard-

sometimes makes me think

-crying so hard-

most of the time...
im telling them...

im fine really...

but the real thing...
the real thing..
was hidden under my mask...

i was crying so hard...

what can i do...
to find that place?
how can i become a lively person that i use to be again?
i want to show my real self?
but how if those two personalities are really me?

~to be continued~

Labels: Extra:

Fireworks... -smiling genlty-

POSTED ON Friday, January 1, 2010 AT 5:50 PM \\

even though i felt that this Christmas was a bit sad to me, i was a bit happy when new year comes.i felt happy when i saw those beautiful fireworks here in our place...at that time...i smiled...

i was also happy when i saw the moon...

thats the moon, its just like a light but it is...
sorry, its not that good...

Labels: Extra:

This Loneliness

POSTED ON AT 1:53 AM \\

(happy)

(tired)

(realizing)

(loneliness)

Featuring Kobato-chan and Himawari-chan!

Himawari: (sigh) as usual...
Kobato: what usual?
Himawari: oh, my old self! hello Kobato-chan...
Kobato: Hm? my future self seems to be very lonely...
Himawari: and my old self seems to be happy before...
Kobato: is there something wrong?
Himawari: no... im fine! ^^ as long as i wear this mask... no one will think what i was really thinking! ^^
Kobato: Hahaah! you're so funny, Himawari-chan! Dont you remember! i use to be you! ^^ so i know whats inside you! ^^
Himawari: yeah... i forgot...
Kobato: (walks away)
Himawari: where are you going?
Kobato: i'll be back! ill just let you have some time! ^^
Himawari: huh?
Kobato: your name... Himawari... its a sunflower right? Sunflower shines so brightly and looks at the sun. So why are you so sad? you're suppose to be a lively Hana. like a Sunflower.
Himawari: yeah i know. im suppose to be there, smiling...
Kobato: why dont you try to remove your mask?
Himawari: (shock) i... i cant! if i did that, they will know my real emotion!
Kobato: Isn't that what you want them to know? you want them to know how you really feel right? so why were you scared of them knowing your real emotion? its okay to cry...
Himawari: Kobato-chan... (tearing up) I I HATE YOU!!!
Kobato: ^^ im so happy for you Kobato-chan... you already showed your face... ^^
Himawari: (crying so hard)
Kobato: (hugs Himawari) Himawari, dont forget that i use to be you... nobody may understand... but me... i was the only one who tries to open your mask... actually, i also that feeling... but like you, i kept it with a mask, but i want to be understand by someone, but no ones willing to, so i change, i want to fight, but i cant. but then, im still happy that you're me. we're just the same Himawari... (tearing up)
Himawari: K-Kobato-chan...
Kobato: Thank you, Himawari... Because of you, i think i can disappear peacefully now, i love you Himawari. Himawari, just remember me in your heart. Cause we are just one souls, one heart, one body... i have to go now... I know you'll find that person that will make you special... (fading away)
Himawari: N-No Kobato-chan! Please come back!
Kobato: (smiling gently) Himawari, aishiteru, demo Sayonara... (fades into the light then vanished)
Himawari: (shocked) Kobato-san... you're... you're just like Kuro Usagi-san, my most precious person, left me...
Himawari: Hey, Himawari-chan! Dont you remember some of Kobato-san's last words?
Himawari: Kobato-chan's last words?

" I know you'll find that person that will make you special"

Himawari: is that what you meant?
Himawari: Yes. as Kobato-san, i am also you. Im the opposite of you.
Himawari: How come? i never even thought of you...
Himawari: (slaps Himawari)
Himawari: Ow! Why'd you do that!
Himawari: You just got mad at me right? Thats your emotion.
Himawari: (gasp) my my mask!
Himawari: here, if you continue to wear this, Kobato-san will be disappointed to you.
Himawari: but its my only protection...
Himawari: You know, i dont understand you anymore. You're hiding your real emotions but you want them to understand you?
Himawari: (silent)
Himawari: Himawari, you are you. If your still gonna use that mask, its just a proof that you're a coward. i thought you want to be brave.
Himawari: yeah i know, but i also realize that i...
Himawari: (slaps Himawari again)
Himawari: ow... okay...
Himawari: What Okay?
Himawari: I'll try what everyone is trying to do... just try...
Himawari: DONT TRY!!! DO IT!!!
Himawari: (sigh) if i give up, talk to me again...
Himawari: I wont. I want you to have courage in yourself... Bye! (faded away)
Himawari: (sigh)

Himawari:
i dont know what to do anymore...

~to be continued~

Labels: My Feelings