Hello, once again. This is Hima. and this... is dedicated to you.
I saw your text post in tumblr and yes, i've screenshot it. Once again, to torture myself. You Finally give up on me. Why... why... why... didn't you... i was hoping.. I WAS FUCKING HOPING YOU'D... god.

I guess that's it, huh.

I'm sorry Sty... i'm sorry i pushed you away. I was hoping you'd come and talk to me again, but you never did. I was waiting for you to greet on my real birthday BUT YOU NEVER DID.  i was fucking sad. that's where i decided you gave up.

I'm pretty sure Sora and Maro hates me now.

This is so hard. You have someone you can tell your problems, while me, i'm keeping everything to myself. And no i wasn't lying. You guys were my friends. THAT'S FUCKING TRUE. I FUCKING NEVER SAID I DON'T NEED YOU!!! that's why.. i don't like telling my problems.. I DON'T WANT TO INVOLVE OTHERS GODDAMMIT.

okay fine, i'm done. I'm so done. I'm fucking done. I've had enough. I'll die soon. I promise.

Labels: My Feelings

Hello once again. I'm Hima. I already said that in my previous post, didn't I? Who know's this might be my last post. This blog of mine and I... go waaaay back. Ever since i was a first year high school, i think? And tomorrow.... I'll be a college student. Would you believe that? During those years.. i've had my depression moments and i was able to get rid over it. And yes, once again, the feeling is back. Hello Sadness. Hello Depression. Hello Emptiness. And Hello... Suicidal feeling. *bows and welcome's you once again with Open Arms*

Anyway, Yesterday, was my REAL Birthday. Now why was it called "Real" because... my FAKE Birthday... is April 1st. Now of all the days and months.. why, April 1st? Well just simple. I'm a huge fan of CLAMP. And many of their characters had a birthdate of April 1st who are Kinomoto Sakura, Fake Syaoran (TRC), Fake Princess Sakura, Real Princess Sakura and lastly Watanuki Kimihiro-kun. So then, as a fan, i dedicated it to them. Which is also good because it's April 1st, which is known as April Fool's Day. So anyway, why did i decided to make a fake birthday? This is kinda funny but it goes all the way back.. and.. well.. because of a guy. He's my friend back then, we're really close which is really much to my surprised. He play's basketball and he's really good at it. He's good in math too. I even kinda liked him. But maybe just a well.. few days.. like that. Then finally, it's my birthday. I was waiting. I was waiting... for him to greet me. But he never did. Until i finally told him "Hey... you know... today's my..." that's when he just remembered. He greeted me, of course. But i wasn't happy. Because i had to remind him. And so, from then on, i started making everyone believe that my real birthday is April 1st, and everyone believed it. The only ones who knew about it are my friends. And just a few of them.

So about yesterday. I woke up early to meet up with Clariz. To get the book. I was kinda hoping she'd greet me since she knows. Until i left... she.. never greeted me. I was seriously sad. REALLY SAD. And i don't know why, but i feel betrayed. You see, for me, if i told you about my real birthday, it means i really trusted you. One time i only told some random person my real birthday is that guy who said he liked me and i was hoping he'd give me a gift. Pfft. Yes, i was using him. But that's not related to this.

Back to Clariz, i was really really sad. The first one who greeted me from my friends were William. I didn't really felt anything but i was kinda happy. I replied, but he never did. He didn't bother replying. I don't know why but i always notice this whenever i'm on twitter. My real life friends talk to each other. While me... just looking at their tweets. Happily talking together. And me, i was at the side. Did i even... Did they even really treated me as their friend? I've always... ALWAYS... noticed this. I kept thinking Yes, they're my friends. I treasure them, and i'll never forget them. But what do they even think about me? I don't know. Maybe i'm not really a close friend to them. Why? Why am i so... different to you guys? Why are you making me feel this way? Even if you guy's say that You're just over reacting or maybe You're just thinking that way or No, we're you're friends! You're important to us... THEN FUCKING MAKE ME FEEL IT!! I'VE NEVER FELT IT!!! SERIOUSLY!! I'M HAVING SO MUCH TRUST ISSUES RIGHT NOW!
.....
*sighs*

Anyway, back to yesterday, I went to MOA. Hoping that i could unwind even a little. Think. Make a move. But then, nothing. I seriously felt nothing. I was thinking of Sty, my birthday, my friends, my emotional problems, trust issues, books to read... But i felt nothing. I was once looking at the window.. i don't know but i just staring at the line .. uh.. line.. those street lines. But then, i really felt nothing. it's like.. come and go. Later i'll feel something. So sad, so lonely.. how my birthday is so lonely... and i almost cried. But then, the feeling dropped. The feeling was gone immediately. That's when i got tired and decided to go home. I wasn't really happy about the book that i bought, but who cares. I need something to read.

As i went home, i hugged my dogs. I don't know why, but whenever i hug them, i would just slowly start crying but i have to stop. I don't want my mom to know that i'm lonely. Which is hard, because it adds to my loneliness. I wanna speak up, but to whom? I know some who i can talk to, but will they even understand? No. Because they're only trying to help but they don't really understand what's going on. Which is.. one of the reasons i don't like telling my problems. Anyway, after that, i went straight to my room. The feeling of sadness was back.

I once told Jigme and Clariz my problem about Sty, and nothing helped. Thank you for trying. And since, i don't tweet much on my main twitter account, because ever since Sora told me that i was asking help. I was shocked. During that time, i really wasn't in need of help, i just want to share my feelings. And because of that, i was careful of my words. But i was back in doing that. And this time, i really was needing of help. Not really directly.. like i was giving signs. A kind of help that would motivate me, was enough. So i tried doing it in tumblr and twitter. In tumblr, there was one who noticed me, and i was... saved. for a moment. But the feeling, was once again, back. And twitter.. WOW THANK YOU GUYS. Twitter was my safe haven you see? And i can't believe it just let me down. Well, i guess people are too busy in their own life that they don't have a time to worry about a person who's in suicidal. That's gotta be it.

But then, all of the people there, one at least noticed. She told me my tweets are so depressed lately so she tried to motivate me. And gave me a video link. The video link was really understandable. In fact, i was exactly doing what the girl said. The girl said in the video, "say yes to every opportunity" and yes, that's what i've been doing. But nothing helped. My depression was still there. I never enjoyed it after all. So it was useless. But then, i thanked this girl who gave me the video link for trying to help me. As thanks, i told you "Yes, that's good. You don't have to feel depression, live your live happy"

So then, Sty was back to my mind. I've been thinking i should give her a settlement message. And so today, i did. I was really nervous. I even ONCE AGAIN, asked indirectly in twitter for a little push. I was waiting. Waiting... AGAIN. But they failed me. That's when it hit me, i can't trust anyone. No one cares about me anyway. No one even notice me. No one... No one will care about me. As much as it hurts, it's true. So then, i've had enough in twitter. Ever since that incident, twitter became such a heavy place for me. So i tweeted something in twitter. Something related that i'll deactivate my account. AND AGAIN, no one notice. because no one cared.

So, i went back to Sty, to her tumblr account. And told her stuffs that i already forgot. All i know, i was trying to settle things down. I think i told her about my current problem, but i'm not blaming her. i was being honest with her anyway. i told her i was trying to throw away everyone, including her and Maro. I also told her sorry but i still won't talk to her. I just REALLY have to settle things down. Maybe the burden will go away even a little. Then maybe she's probably like "Oh, there she goes. BEING #UNFAIR AGAIN." i don't really know how Sty thinks... since it's been a long while since we talked. And also, i've been stalking her tumblr and FB for a while, she seems happy. Which is good. I'm glad she's happy. And here i am, suffering, because OF MY FUCKING SELF.  Haha. Now that i think about it... all of this sadness that i feel.. it's because of myself. Yes, everything's my fault. I guess to other people... i'm just annoying or being "papansin" But what do you know anyway, you don't understand what i'm feeling right now.

So after that, i signed my main twitter account in web and deactivated my account. If ever i changed my mind, all i have to do is to log in again. i have 30 days anyway.

Then i was way for a while, and when i came back, one anon sent me an asks. that anon said "Do i really need help?" and i replied NO.
                                      → No. Because i've had enough. I already asked help directly and indirectly. But what does it give me? Nothing. Nothing helped. No one even encouraged me. There was at least 2, but it wasn't enough. I was asking for support. But no one did. No one cared.

that's not what i really sad but something related to that. I'VE. HAD. ENOUGH.
i've had enough trusting either real life friends or online friends. i don't feel loved. i don't feel the care except from my parents. I don't feel it. nothing at all. But what's funny.. is that part of my hard.. who's ready throwing everything away... still hanging on. Hoping... But i won't let my hopes up. It hurts too much.

To whoever's reading this.. IF EVER THERE IS... i want you to know... i'm really ... really... thinking of suicide right now. I wanna buy pills once college starts. I won't cut just because i'm suicidal. But then, i still want to live.... I WANT TO LIVE BUT I ALSO WANT TO DIE... i don't want to ask help anymore.......

i've had enough.... 

Labels: My Feelings