Hello
POSTED ON Monday, May 27, 2013 AT 9:39 PM \\
Hello. to everyone who's reading this (that is.. if someone's going to read) Hi. my name.... is Hima. but it's really Taiyou, but... most of my ... used to be online friends, calls me Hima so i'll go with that name.

Recently, i've been feeling depression, sadness and emptiness. it all started, when i hurt someone i care. it wasn't on purpose. it was more like... it just happened. it was going okay at first. but i was too shy. and it started there. i was called "unfair". yes just that word. unfair i was unfair because, i didn't talk. i was too embarrassed. that word really hit me. because it was true. i was being unfair. i dunno if i've hurt you cuz of that, but i really started crying. before saying my last words to you, like.. the last time we really talked, i told you "happy birthday" and "sorry" and gave you my present. in my previous post, i posted my other suppose to be gifts to you. From May 5-14. that particular page of the scrapbook has drawings in it. and when finally, 12am, finally it was your birthday. and that happened. because of my sadness, of making you (that i think) feel sad or i was unfair to you, i cried. i wasn't able to stop myself from crying. and then, i wasn't able to draw what was supposed to be drawn on May 15. it was left empty. yes, empty. just the date because i wrote the date earlier that time.

i kept saying sorry. i'm sorry. i won't bother with you anymore. i logged out my skype account. from that then on, i wanted to stop talking to you, her, and her as well. since they are witnesses, i included them as well. but no, please don't think i'm blaming you. please don't think that i hate you. never such a thing would i ever think of you guys like that. never. i care about you guys a lot. really. but for me, caring about you, once i hurt you guys.. then i should end it there. we'll be back to being strangers. that's what i've always decided. especially in my life.

i decided to leave twitter for a week. so there's no place that i can hang out with except facebook and tumblr. so i kept hanging out in facebook. posting random stuffs. trying to forget. yes, FORGET. But it never stopped there. you posted something on my wall. i was shocked and then i'll realize my hands are kinda shaking. i decided to not reply. but no, i wasn't ignoring you. i just want some time. some time to think of my own selfishness. you did that twice. and it really hurt me a lot. your name. it makes me remember of all the things i've done. i'm pretty sure that i've tweeted that i was punishing myself. and yes, i kinda succeeded punishing myself. in fact, i punished myself more.

as soon as i was back in twitter, it was lonely. and then i started crying. twitter... became such a heavy place for me. it used to be such a uh.. like save haven? comfort zone? nah not really. i just usually just rant stuff there. but now...i dunno. it feels so sad all over. i mean... i feel so sad. and once again... this feeling. this sad feeling's back. yes, yes. that feeling where you're about to kill yourself. 

ever since then, i really really stopped talking to some of my online friends. and one time, i was telling about stuffs like what am i feeling or why am i punishing myself. she replied to my tweets and said do i need help. i replied no. i wasn't really asking for help. i told that to her. but to her point of view, it feels to her that i was asking for help. for someone to care. i never really thought of that.. wait no. to be honest i did. but i kept it aside. because i was hoping no one would care. i was JUST REALLY saying what i'm feeling that time. i almost screamed cuz it was the wrong idea. that's when i decided to make a reaaaally private account. in where i wasn't following anybody else. only me. Only me that exists in that timeline. i tweet everything there ever since. i became careful of my words on my main twitter account. 

two weeks has passed. and just a week ago, i was surprised to receive nine messages on my ask. so i was really happy. that's when it turns out, it was actually you. i never thought that that’s how you actually thought of me. I kinda cried. And once again. That word appeared. Unfair. It appeared again. And once again, I was hurt. I’ve hurt you enough, and I’ve hurt myself as well. As long as you guys were hurt, the more I try to hurt myself. The more you guys worry, the more I make myself suffer.

Do you have any idea why I don’t like telling my problems to others especially online friends? It’s cause first: I don’t want the other person to worry about me. I mean, sometimes, sharing a problem also became THAT person’s problem. Then they’ll worry a lot. And I hate to make you guys worry even though I’m really sad and depressed right now. Second: I totally hate comforts.  I mean, whenever i try to tell my problems.. or maybe something like telling what I’m feeling right now, and you guys try to comfort me, I’d end up crying. And I HATE CRYING. I know, crying is natural especially when you’re sad or don’t know what to do anymore. You’d just end up crying. I hate crying in front of other people. So I prefer crying alone. Whimpering alone in my room. Crying. Thinking of so many unexpected things. And lastly: even if I told you my problem, I won’t listen. Yes, I’m a very hard headed person. I usually just listen to my instincts. It’s not that I don’t trust you. I do. Well.. maybe.. a little problem about trust issues but that’s not it. I just believe, to what I believe is right. So advices are not needed. I prefer doing EVERYTHING on my own. Which makes me think of very unexpected things. Like Suicide. Right now.

As for real world, it’s the same. But then, I don’t end up crying cuz whenever I tell them my problems, I just smile. I smile not making obvious that I was trying to endure it.

oh and this is kinda out of the topic but... i don't understand. I. JUST. REALLY. DON'T. UNDERSTAND. WHY ARE YOU GUYS SAYING THAT I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU!! HAVEN'T YOU GUYS THOUGHT THAT I'M DOING THIS FOR BOTH OF OUR OWN GOOD! i was trying NOT TO HURT ANY OF YOU GUYS ANYMORE!! moving on and forgetting will be easy. maybe.. i'll be more okay IF YOU GUYS JUST DECIDED TO IGNORE IT!!! i know it's selfish of me to think this way, but for me this is the best solution. maybe.... just maybe... i wouldn't be able to think about SUICIDE at all! do you understand? no? pfft. i'm sure. i'm pretty much of a thick headed. and the way i think is waaaay too wrong. way too wrong but hey, it's good for me.

So all I wanna say, once again, my depression, sadness, emptiness feeling is back. And ONCE AGAIN, my suicidal feeling is back. And here I am, welcoming you with open arms.

Oh and one last thing. i don't delete messages. it's cuz.... i want to understand. and also, reading it becomes my punishment. i don't know if you guys are thinking "why the hell are you torturing yourself?" "haven;t you thought that hurting yourself make others worry" guys, i'm very much aware of that. but who cares. again. THIS. IS. ME.

So tell me… because I’m in the middle of  “ I want to die “  and “ I don’t want to die “. How…  can one person. Save a life? How can words… save a life? How? Tell me. Tell me. What should I do? But if you’re going to tell me to talk to the person or people that I’ve hurt, then sorry. I can’t do that yet. Not now. Not now, no. I still don’t have the courage.

How … because just a while ago… I was observing things… and suddenly my mind said “God I want to die” and that’s when I almost cried. But I have to endure it. Cuz I don’t want to cry in a public place.  So how… how can you help me and my stupid fucking ego? My fucking selfishness.



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i am not ignoring you
POSTED ON Thursday, May 16, 2013 AT 11:10 PM \\
hmmm.. i... i am still sorry. you probably think its immature. yeah.. maybe.
anyway as much as i know, i am not ignoring you. i am..... not.. bothering my life with you anymore.
so please. i'll be fine. i'll be okay. and i'm pretty sure you'll be okay too. you're so much loved not only by me. but your other online friends. really i'll be fine.

.... in my Point of view, i think i'm trying to make myself pitiful. i'm sorry i'm just being realistic and imagining how other will look at it. but maybe for me, its not. i... i... i don't know what i'm even saying anymore.

but anyways what i want to say is that... oh wait i forgot. ugh screw that.
everything's going to be fine. losing 1 is not much of a loss, is it?? yes. that's right. so it'll be okay.

for all i know and understand.. i was hurt. but because its true, i was even more hurt of my own doing.. so... i'm sorry. i really won't bother with you and them. this is.... my punishment.

oh and one last thing... i don't hate you. and if you hate me, it's okay. and if you choose to not ever talk to me anymore, it's still okay. i'll be okay. i'll be fine. but not matter what happens, you're still my friend that i treasured but choose to let go. i'm sorry.
besides.... i'm used to this kind of thing anyway. its mostly my fault anymore. so it's also my fault making myself sad, depressed or whatsoever.

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Happy Birthday
POSTED ON Wednesday, May 15, 2013 AT 1:50 AM \\
hey~~ it's already 1am here.
anyway.. today is Papa (not my real dad)'s bday. you see... i prepared my pen tablet, my sketchpad to draw something for him. (she's actually a girl)

so.. i'm really excited. about my short mmv gift for him and yeah. thats why i send him an sms at least once a day. telling him a happy bday.

so few minutes before 12am (May 15), Mika, Maro, Papa and I skyped. .. it was funny at first cuz no one talks and papa actually have an accent. i feel so... belittle cuz... i dunno. then there.. they finally talked. and i'm the only one left who didn't talked. i... i'm sorry. i really can't. i was too scared and shy and... i was ... i feel ashamed and sorry for myself.

i can hear them talking and i.. i'm.... i heard papa said "it's kinda unfair to us who talked" and well.. it kinda hit me. i was really hurt and was sad. so i removed my earplugs and just left it. but i didn't unplug the earphones so that i won't hear what they're saying. it really hit me from the heart and thought i'm so selfish. it was even her birthday and i'm like that. i felt like i ruined everything.. my happy bday surprise for her. now it ended up to this.


i had it empty. oh and it was said "May 15 2013" why?? i felt like its my responsible. i dunno. i feel responsible for what happened. i'm sorry. i can't face you right now. i won't even reply to their tweets. i..

i'm pretty sure its okay anyway. :3 i think i'm not really needed or important so.. losing one won't cause anything that much right??

as for me.. i'm done. i don't mind being alone. really. well... i sure hope they didn't heard me cry.. cuz i was ignoring their messages in skype.

anyway here are the extras:



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One Piece Film Z
POSTED ON Wednesday, May 1, 2013 AT 7:53 PM \\
today.. phew! told `ya i'll just make a quick update! XD
anyway.. i watched Film Z today! ♥ SO COOL!! SO MUCH BETTER THAN RTN //coughs.
anyway.. yeah.. it was cool.
i'm too lazy to summarize again cuz if i did this'll be the third time. so i'll just repost on what i posted on my FB account. :3
 AHH I REALLY HAD FUN WATCHING ONE PIECE FILM Z!! *A* SO SUGOI!! and sad to say.. Film Z is so much better than RTN cuz... Film Z has so many action scenes and RTN just.. well as far as i remember, the only action scenes there are at the last part. and what i find thrilling there is when Kyubi vs. Kyubi. in Film Z, EVERY ACTION SCENES ARE SO SUGOI!! *A* oh well~ ♥ i loved the movie!!
And lol there was this part where i thot the screening already started so i bought popcorn and sabi ng guy mamaya pa daw yun eh 1 oras pa. tangina kakahiya. so pumunta muna ako sa food court tambay eh di ko na kaya ubusin yung popcorn and i feel guilty for wasting it so i just kept it. tapos dumaan ako sa Comic Alley tapos may lalaki dun kanina niya pa ako kinakausap tungkol sa popcorn na dala ko so binigay ko sa kanya. i kinda had the feeling the baka ibalik niya sa akin and awkward na. so i slipped away. he called me but i just ignored. xD i hope the food didn't go to waste. xD

Okay so in this part onwards, ay yung mga reklamo ko loob at labas ng sinehan.
nung unang pagpasok ko sa loob is excited ako umupo sa gitna but then... daming occupied. so andun nalang ako sa may harap (yung sa may taas) 2nd to the left (when facing the screen) tapos yung mga nasa likod ko pa is MGA MAIINGAY NA BATA TAKTENG YAN! SARAP PAGSABIHAN! tsk. tapos minsan... may mga scenes na nakakatawa talaga pero may scene dun na it's not really funny more likes serious PERO TUMAWA PARIN SILANG LAHAT UGH WTF. IS THIS HOW NORMAL HUMAN THINKS!? tapos yung sa may ending part.. Ugh.. Commander Z... i.. tried so hard to not cry kasi parang nakakahiya sa katabi ko pero medyo paluha na yung mga mata ko. seriously.
Edi ayan tapos na, may mga One Piece Film Z Cosplayers dun. edi syempre pinagkaguluhan. tapos may isang girl dun na sabi niya "ASAN SI SANJI" ng daming beses i mean.. UGH SHE'S SO.. i dunno.. for me kasi it's really nakakahiya! >< tapos medyo katabi ko siya sa may escalator naririnig ko yung reklamo niya. sabi niya "Bakit bukas yung mata ni Zoro!?" "Hindi naman ganun yung itsura ni Luffy!" "Hindi naman ganun color ng buhok ni (forgot who)" and blahblahblah.
tapos sabi ko sa sarili ko "ang hirap naman kung buong araw mo isasara yung isang mata mo! syempre he'll close his eyes and someone asks for his picture!" ganyanganyan! ugh she's so annoying. nakakairita talaga.

oh well LOL haba ah. xD basta dami ko pang reklamo na nakalimutan ko na dahil sa kakaisip kung pano ako papara kasi parang nakakahira magsalita sa tahimik na fx. i was really talking to myself kung pano.. LOL XD

so that's it.. other than that, i enjoyed watching the movie.
you don't have to read this btw. but if you did, wow. haha. xD you cared. jk xD
Okay so in this part onwards, ay yung mga reklamo ko loob at labas ng sinehan.nung unang pagpasok ko sa loob is excited ako umupo sa gitna but then... daming occupied. so andun nalang ako sa may harap (yung sa may taas) 2nd to the left (when facing the screen) tapos yung mga nasa likod ko pa is MGA MAIINGAY NA BATA TAKTENG YAN! SARAP PAGSABIHAN! tsk. tapos minsan... may mga scenes na nakakatawa talaga pero may scene dun na it's not really funny more likes serious PERO TUMAWA PARIN SILANG LAHAT UGH WTF. IS THIS HOW NORMAL HUMAN THINKS!? tapos yung sa may ending part.. Ugh.. Commander Z... i.. tried so hard to not cry kasi parang nakakahiya sa katabi ko pero medyo paluha na yung mga mata ko. seriously. Edi ayan tapos na, may mga One Piece Film Z Cosplayers dun. edi syempre pinagkaguluhan. tapos may isang girl dun na sabi niya "ASAN SI SANJI" ng daming beses i mean.. UGH SHE'S SO.. i dunno.. for me kasi it's really nakakahiya! >< tapos medyo katabi ko siya sa may escalator naririnig ko yung reklamo niya. sabi niya "Bakit bukas yung mata ni Zoro!?" "Hindi naman ganun yung itsura ni Luffy!" "Hindi naman ganun color ng buhok ni (forgot who)" and blahblahblah.tapos sabi ko sa sarili ko "ang hirap naman kung buong araw mo isasara yung isang mata mo! syempre he'll close his eyes and someone asks for his picture!" ganyanganyan! ugh she's so annoying. nakakairita talaga. 
oh well LOL haba ah. xD basta dami ko pang reklamo na nakalimutan ko na dahil sa kakaisip kung pano ako papara kasi parang nakakahira magsalita sa tahimik na fx. i was really talking to myself kung pano.. LOL XD
so that's it.. other than that, i enjoyed watching the movie. you don't have to read this btw. but if you did, wow. haha. xD you cared. jk xD

so... that's it. :3

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Lyceum
POSTED ON AT 7:50 PM \\
my exam in Lyceum was during the 10th of April and i passed them all.
but ... after some long thinking. my mom, friends and i decided that i'll study in Letran.
i'll really study hard so that after a year, i'll transfer in UST. :3 that's it.

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Ozine Fest day 1-3 2013
POSTED ON AT 7:48 PM \\
April 12, 2013
Ozine day 1, i was Onizuka Hime casual.
it was fun and i thot it will be liek "Oh since i'm in casual cosplay no one would ask pictures of me" but then it was the opposite. i was really embarrassed but then i was also happy that some recognizes who i was cosplaying. :3
i also watch Road to Ninja during this day. i went home with Clariz and Ate Aura.

April 13, 2013
Day 2, i was finally cosplaying the default uniform of Onizuka Hime. uwu
it was nice that many they once again recognize my character. and funny cuz i was able to do liek.. fighting poses which i kinda enjoyed yet embarrassed. annoying thing tho.. my shoes are perfect. really. its just that.. it gives me injury. ugh. xD i mean... my foot kinda bleed so whenever i have to walk it's either barefoot and walk veeery slowly with the heels on. but then.. i can't handle it cuz it really hurts.

Oh yea.. i was wearing a Road to Ninja t-shirt when i came to Megamall. cuz i'm gonna rewatch it. but then suddenly my friends said they won't watch it anymore. i was.. really.. really sad. so i didn't eat with them and i just... went back to the con. trying hard to not cry cuz make up. *A* but then Kee.. i saw her.. she gave me her gift and.. i was so happy that i cried.. it mixed with my sad feelings so.. yea. sadly.. i wasn't able to see Kairu.
cuz when i saw Kee again she asked me if i saw Kairu cuz she's in a wheelchair.. ( ; _ ; ) that's too bad. i'll definitely see her next time.

But then.. it was fun. Mastach was complete except for Nicole. she wasn't able to join us cuz no money. :3 Join us next time okay? :3 William & Jerome will be there for you.

April 14, 2013
Day 3, last day. i was feeling so bad. that i had a slight fever when i got home during day 2. my body was so hot. and then... i woke up super late. and i arrived at Megamall by 6pm already. i wasn't able to cosplay Kobato anymore which is really sad.
Good thing is that i saw Clariz asap. so yea.. :3 that's it for me. :3

Ozine was still fun.

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The Croods
POSTED ON AT 7:37 PM \\
my friends and i... watched The Croods. :3 and... it's a good show. i mean.. movie. uwu
Oh yea, William gave me some message or bday gift from Japeth.
Thanks Japeth! :3 just want you to know i've always been aware of your feelings but sorry i can never return them.. i'm sorry. uwu
i... well.. i was mean cuz i think i throw the usb he gave to me and in it was a piano piece that i dunno if he's the one who played it or he just downloaded it somewhere. i'm sorry. i was really being such a jerk. but i really appreciate it yet i was just being a jerk. so sorry.

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Graduation Day!
POSTED ON AT 7:33 PM \\
`ya this is so late! :3
our Graduation happened last April 3, but i'm updating May 1st. xD
so i'm gonna make this reeeaaal quick.
Oh and i finally had my first phone which was last March 23 i think? all i remember is that i took an exam in Letran and we went to SM Manila.

anyway~ graduation didn't made me cry. why? cuz there's nothing to cry for. i mean.. the song's so simple. Hawak Kamay? pfft. who're you kidding? that song is sooooooo NOT PERFECT FOR GRADUATION Y`KNOW!!! ugh. but then i'm happy that i finally graduated. that'll be the last time i'll see Cleo, Zindi, C........ hehehehe. and everyone! :3
oh and to the friends that i just made during the last few moments... i'm glad we can be friends. and i'm still sorry cuz i'm awkward.

Oh and i'm really happy by the end of our graduation cuz... >////< i was able FINALLY to hold the person that "I USED TO LIKE"'s hand! >///< i mean.. i saw Charles and congratulated him, and Verjohn was there.. and him too. i patted him and said "Congrats" and he clapped and he said "Congrats" too and i just smiled at him and iyaaaa i was so happy!! >///< as far as i remember.. i was with William. ==

then after that... bye bye. :3 tho my friends and i decided we'll watch The Croods the next day i think? yea.
then after that... bye bye.. sigh.. bye bye.

as i reached home, i finally told Charles who i really am cuz i was trolling him. xD we had a dinner at home btw.

so that's it~! quick `yo!? xD

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