For now...
POSTED ON Saturday, December 5, 2009 AT 8:35 PM \\
Day 5 of December 2009

i was thinking while i was reading a manga entitled "Koko ni Iru yo" by Tooyama-san...
i was inspired because of Hikage-san's courage...
and i want to be like her...
while i was reading that
i wished that i was like her...
i wish that i will also be a shadow to someones eyes but i was noticed because of something...
i really cried when Black Rabbit said goodbye...
but then...
i'm not alone as Hikage-chan...
in my heart i feel like i was left behind..
but its obvious sometimes that im always alone...
though i dont have any reaction, im really lonely though...
i want to cry but i dont want to show them how i really felt...
so thats why im expressing it here through blog like Hikage-chan...
but its not about that, its about my HATRED to them...

especially to my special friends...

many of my classmates said that im a Cheerful and a Hyper person...
yeah...its true...
i am cheerful and hyper...
but sometimes...
im tired of doing that...
im starting to realize that i was alone...


im alone...
if i didn't talk to them...


what i was trying to say is that...
i want them to realize on their own how i really felt...
because if i explain it myself...
it would just hurt me so much...
i'm not the type who wants to someone understand what i really felt...
i want them to understand it on their own...


then am...
about my hatred...

i have this 4 special friends...
just because we love ANIME...
we had a group...
he called it the CHATLOG because we have a chat notebook full of anime drawing by ourselves...
my codename there is Kobato...

but forget about that.
when i think that they were hiding something to me...
i said to myself

maybe i should keep my distance to them... maybe i should said GOODBYE to them...



that happened on the last day of our 2nd quarter exam and day
i kept on thinking about that...
until i finally decided that im leaving the group...

on the first Friday of October i guess...
i told them that

this may be hard for me but i've decided... i'm going to leave this group... why? i dont know...
maybe because i feel that everyone of you are hiding something from me that made think that you don't trust me that much... im sorry, but my days with you are the happiest! im glad that i met you everyone!


i said to them and it was a relief...
but my heart just won't accept it...
that night
i kept on crying but a secret...
i dont want anyone to know that i cried that night...
then something came up to my mind



What did i do... i already have a great friends but i let them go... but its my decision, my own self dont regret it... but i guess my heart do regret it...



i said... but then i just sleep and try to forget it...
then on the next day
i dont talk nor even greet them
any other conversation...
except to Axle-kun, i guess he dont understand whats happening...
oh Axle-kun is just his codename okay?

then one day...
i wanted to apologize for what i did so i gave them a letter...
but it misunderstood them...
that made me pissed...
then after awhile...
Mr.Brightside(another of my friends codename) got mad to Kyashi-chan(another of my friend) and CC-chan(another friend 2) and i dont know why!

then i tried to apologize for them but he just wont notice me...
then i was totally annoyed then i tried to shout


"MR.BRIGHTSIDE!!! CC-CHAN AND KYASHI-CHAN SAID IM REALLY SORRY!!! BUT IM NOT INCLUDED!!!"


i guess he was happy that our group has been reunited...
and i was happy too...




Day 26 of November 2009

it starts all here...
my HATRED to them...
it was our preperation for our Cultural Festival...
but thats not about it...
it was our dissmisal time we were at our booth...
i was sitting beside CC-chan near at the corner, and were both quiet...
and Mr.Brightside, Axle-kun and Kyashi-chan are a little bit far from us...
and the were not including us in their circle moment...

i went near them but then...
my pressence to those three are still like a shadow...
then i realize at first...



hm... they dont notice me huh... maybe ill try to trick them of for a little while...



Sigh... Maybe ill just go home then. See you tomorrow...


that's what i said to them...then Kyashi-chan said

"anoh...."

then i left....




then that afternoon, Kyashi-chan called.


"anoh, Kobato-chan, im sorry..." she said
"Huh? why are you apologizing" i said cuz i suddenly forgot what happened...
"because... a while ago at school... we were both sorry... Mr.Brightside and Axle-kun..."
"huh? oh about that? Ahahah! Dont worry! I dont care about that anyway! im just messing with you, y'know!!! Ahahah!" i said and i was serious about it.
"you dont have to hide it you know, tell me what you really have felt on that time..." she said in a serious way too.
"hm...what i really felt...im hungry and im watching T.V." i said...
"*laugh* oh..Kobato-chan...but im still very sorry..."

she kept on apologizing until i remember what i really felt on that day.

"Shut up already." i said...
"Cuz if you dont, maybe i'll hate you..." i said then she shut up...
then we both put down the phone...


after we put down the phone
i realize...

HOW I REALLY HATE THEM



then this feeling of HATRED continue to grow...
until now...
my HATRED level is rising...
it was just forgotten once when its our Field Trip day...
they may not know how i really HATE them, but i really want them to know...





HOW I REALLY HATE THEM




but i really have a hard time confessing
that's why i just put it here for awhile...
i want them to really know...
but im afraid that i might lose them if i did that thing...
*nod*
true... they may lose...
but...
i cant hide my feelings sometimes...
but i can still hide it...


right now...
i have this fake smiles for them to show that im not lonely...
but thats the outside part of my smile...
the inside part is full of different emotions...


HATRED
LONELINESS

HATRED
LONELINESS

HATRED
LONELINESS

HATRED
LONELINESS


that's how i really feel...
those are the words that keep on making my mind full of emotions...
i want to share my HATRED and LONELINESS...
but i dont want to at the same time...




sigh...

im so confusing huh...
but that's what i really feel...
a deep HATRED that came from my special friends...
and a deep LONELINESS that also came from my friends...
this HATRED of mine...
came from them...


the came from my Classmates, Friends, and Special Friends...


it all started from them...
but i dont want to continue to grow having this HATRED in my heart...
i want to grow as a cheerful, lively and hyper girl who loves making friends and wants to do all her best to make everyone smile!

but for know...
this is something that i need to make it up with someone's help...
please give me some advice....
cuz...





i really need help right now....

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