June 2, 2012, Saturday
the day after ****************

it all started when i went down to give my costume. my mom followed me.
after i left the shop i told her Don't worry. I'm gonna quit cosplay this year. 


as i reach home, my mom told me You know, cosplaying isn't the problem. The problem is the people you encounter at those events. You easily trust people.
I Told her I DON'T!!! you don't understand anything!
then she said Okay! So tell me what's the part i don't understand! Make me understand!!
Then i said He's just being friendly to me!!!
then i think i started crying. cuz i just recovered to that incident. AND NOW YOU'RE BRINGING IT BACK!
then she started saying stuff.
she also said that I'm so disappointed in you....


because if ever something bad happened to you.. if ever someone raped you or stuff.. i can't accept it.


something like that.
and i told her WHO DO YOU THINK I AM!? I USE MY BRAIN!! SO THERE'S NOTHING TO WORRY!!
until things get worse.

i was crying too much. after that i.. i went outside. i thought i should be out somewhere.. i don't wanna see my mom yet. i suddenly thought of dying.

so since there's nothing or.. i dunno where i should go, i went to the Overpass. at the middle.
i was standing there for a very long time. i was thinking if i should jump or not. thinking so much.
then i told myself

i know it's my fault. i know that myself.
i know it's my first time. but you don't understand anything.
i want to die.


that's what i just said..

humans we're staring at me. they said i shouldn't jump. but the wind was so strong. it makes me want to jump.
until my untie and elder cousin came cause they're going to the grocery.

my untie called me and when i saw her she said what on earth are you doing here!?
she also started crying.
my cousin we're there for a long while too.

then after that.. my untie went to the grocery and my cousin left and talked to me. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RAIN
then blah blah blah.
until my cousin said there was this man checking us out. so i was about to go home. but i really don't want to go home yet. so i told my cousin i'm going to my friend's house.
she said no and i should go back home. she was so persistent that i wanna go in the middle of the street and let any car bump onto me! SO THAT I CAN FINALLY DIE!!
but my cousin keeps pulling me!!!
she even tried to ask help to those random humans who are around.
until there was this man trying to help us.. fuck.
until my mom and dad came. and we went back home.

when i'm back home.. i went to the terrace.
thinking. and.. i punched the floor. my right hand bleed a little. i find it amusing though.
then my dad came and pulled me to the living room.

after my dad left, i took my jacket and my mom came and said What do you want?
in a sweet voice. i pushed her back and said What's with your attitude now!? Why are you being kind now!?
then she snapped and said what the hell is my problem.
until i was trying to go away and she was like.. uh...? trying to stop me.
until she was trying to slap me and i was trying to stop her.

until things get crazy.. i kicked my mom.
my mom was.. so shocked and said You kicked me!? i can't believe you can do that to me!!!


until she grabbed my hair and put me down and started kicking me.
i can't fight back cuz i was lying on the floor trying to cover.
until she guarded the door so that i can't escape.

then my dad came and talked to me.. then i started crying again..

Labels: EVENTS, Extra:, My Feelings