Hello
POSTED ON Monday, May 27, 2013 AT 9:39 PM \\
Hello. to everyone who's reading this (that is.. if someone's going to read) Hi. my name.... is Hima. but it's really Taiyou, but... most of my ... used to be online friends, calls me Hima so i'll go with that name.

Recently, i've been feeling depression, sadness and emptiness. it all started, when i hurt someone i care. it wasn't on purpose. it was more like... it just happened. it was going okay at first. but i was too shy. and it started there. i was called "unfair". yes just that word. unfair i was unfair because, i didn't talk. i was too embarrassed. that word really hit me. because it was true. i was being unfair. i dunno if i've hurt you cuz of that, but i really started crying. before saying my last words to you, like.. the last time we really talked, i told you "happy birthday" and "sorry" and gave you my present. in my previous post, i posted my other suppose to be gifts to you. From May 5-14. that particular page of the scrapbook has drawings in it. and when finally, 12am, finally it was your birthday. and that happened. because of my sadness, of making you (that i think) feel sad or i was unfair to you, i cried. i wasn't able to stop myself from crying. and then, i wasn't able to draw what was supposed to be drawn on May 15. it was left empty. yes, empty. just the date because i wrote the date earlier that time.

i kept saying sorry. i'm sorry. i won't bother with you anymore. i logged out my skype account. from that then on, i wanted to stop talking to you, her, and her as well. since they are witnesses, i included them as well. but no, please don't think i'm blaming you. please don't think that i hate you. never such a thing would i ever think of you guys like that. never. i care about you guys a lot. really. but for me, caring about you, once i hurt you guys.. then i should end it there. we'll be back to being strangers. that's what i've always decided. especially in my life.

i decided to leave twitter for a week. so there's no place that i can hang out with except facebook and tumblr. so i kept hanging out in facebook. posting random stuffs. trying to forget. yes, FORGET. But it never stopped there. you posted something on my wall. i was shocked and then i'll realize my hands are kinda shaking. i decided to not reply. but no, i wasn't ignoring you. i just want some time. some time to think of my own selfishness. you did that twice. and it really hurt me a lot. your name. it makes me remember of all the things i've done. i'm pretty sure that i've tweeted that i was punishing myself. and yes, i kinda succeeded punishing myself. in fact, i punished myself more.

as soon as i was back in twitter, it was lonely. and then i started crying. twitter... became such a heavy place for me. it used to be such a uh.. like save haven? comfort zone? nah not really. i just usually just rant stuff there. but now...i dunno. it feels so sad all over. i mean... i feel so sad. and once again... this feeling. this sad feeling's back. yes, yes. that feeling where you're about to kill yourself. 

ever since then, i really really stopped talking to some of my online friends. and one time, i was telling about stuffs like what am i feeling or why am i punishing myself. she replied to my tweets and said do i need help. i replied no. i wasn't really asking for help. i told that to her. but to her point of view, it feels to her that i was asking for help. for someone to care. i never really thought of that.. wait no. to be honest i did. but i kept it aside. because i was hoping no one would care. i was JUST REALLY saying what i'm feeling that time. i almost screamed cuz it was the wrong idea. that's when i decided to make a reaaaally private account. in where i wasn't following anybody else. only me. Only me that exists in that timeline. i tweet everything there ever since. i became careful of my words on my main twitter account. 

two weeks has passed. and just a week ago, i was surprised to receive nine messages on my ask. so i was really happy. that's when it turns out, it was actually you. i never thought that that’s how you actually thought of me. I kinda cried. And once again. That word appeared. Unfair. It appeared again. And once again, I was hurt. I’ve hurt you enough, and I’ve hurt myself as well. As long as you guys were hurt, the more I try to hurt myself. The more you guys worry, the more I make myself suffer.

Do you have any idea why I don’t like telling my problems to others especially online friends? It’s cause first: I don’t want the other person to worry about me. I mean, sometimes, sharing a problem also became THAT person’s problem. Then they’ll worry a lot. And I hate to make you guys worry even though I’m really sad and depressed right now. Second: I totally hate comforts.  I mean, whenever i try to tell my problems.. or maybe something like telling what I’m feeling right now, and you guys try to comfort me, I’d end up crying. And I HATE CRYING. I know, crying is natural especially when you’re sad or don’t know what to do anymore. You’d just end up crying. I hate crying in front of other people. So I prefer crying alone. Whimpering alone in my room. Crying. Thinking of so many unexpected things. And lastly: even if I told you my problem, I won’t listen. Yes, I’m a very hard headed person. I usually just listen to my instincts. It’s not that I don’t trust you. I do. Well.. maybe.. a little problem about trust issues but that’s not it. I just believe, to what I believe is right. So advices are not needed. I prefer doing EVERYTHING on my own. Which makes me think of very unexpected things. Like Suicide. Right now.

As for real world, it’s the same. But then, I don’t end up crying cuz whenever I tell them my problems, I just smile. I smile not making obvious that I was trying to endure it.

oh and this is kinda out of the topic but... i don't understand. I. JUST. REALLY. DON'T. UNDERSTAND. WHY ARE YOU GUYS SAYING THAT I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU!! HAVEN'T YOU GUYS THOUGHT THAT I'M DOING THIS FOR BOTH OF OUR OWN GOOD! i was trying NOT TO HURT ANY OF YOU GUYS ANYMORE!! moving on and forgetting will be easy. maybe.. i'll be more okay IF YOU GUYS JUST DECIDED TO IGNORE IT!!! i know it's selfish of me to think this way, but for me this is the best solution. maybe.... just maybe... i wouldn't be able to think about SUICIDE at all! do you understand? no? pfft. i'm sure. i'm pretty much of a thick headed. and the way i think is waaaay too wrong. way too wrong but hey, it's good for me.

So all I wanna say, once again, my depression, sadness, emptiness feeling is back. And ONCE AGAIN, my suicidal feeling is back. And here I am, welcoming you with open arms.

Oh and one last thing. i don't delete messages. it's cuz.... i want to understand. and also, reading it becomes my punishment. i don't know if you guys are thinking "why the hell are you torturing yourself?" "haven;t you thought that hurting yourself make others worry" guys, i'm very much aware of that. but who cares. again. THIS. IS. ME.

So tell me… because I’m in the middle of  “ I want to die “  and “ I don’t want to die “. How…  can one person. Save a life? How can words… save a life? How? Tell me. Tell me. What should I do? But if you’re going to tell me to talk to the person or people that I’ve hurt, then sorry. I can’t do that yet. Not now. Not now, no. I still don’t have the courage.

How … because just a while ago… I was observing things… and suddenly my mind said “God I want to die” and that’s when I almost cried. But I have to endure it. Cuz I don’t want to cry in a public place.  So how… how can you help me and my stupid fucking ego? My fucking selfishness.



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