Hello guise.
(i had a haircut it happened on Jan. 5 then after that school's back by the 6th.)

anyway, Hello again. I just have to update my blog for some realization i had last night. Because of that, i hated myself so much more. I feel so disgusted about myself. Again, i am down. Not depressed though, just down. But i think i'm going there. and maybe again, sooner, suicidal. AGAIN.

My life's such a drama, i know. I'm sorry about that. But then, please excuse.

Tuesday (Jan, 7). we got our results in TM about that long tests. I know many of us failed ( in fact, only 2 of the 40+ of us, passed ) As for my score, i literally got 17/100. At first i ddin't feel bad about it, but then my cheatmates got 30+ higher than me. Even though i cheated a little, it made me feel so stupid and dumb. It made me feel so down.

Then yesterday, right after our culinary, i was kinda happy but not that much because i was able to talk to the guy im kinda interested with. Then after our class it's time to clean and i was once again left alone in my group to do all the cleaning. Our nearby group who also stays in the same station as us told me that i shouldn't be too nice. I don't know what to say but i know that i shouldn't but i just can't help it. I know i felt something wrong about that word. It felt empty. Too empty.

Then it's time to go home and since Quiapo was doing this tradition about the nazareno thing, then from Lawton, we have to walk to Quiapo. I was kinda happy too since i'll be going home with the guy i'm kinda interested with and luckily yes we did. The three of us go home in the same way, through Fairview. I just have to drop earlier than them.

While they were talking, i heard their scores about their results in TM and yes they also both got 30+ and i feel so down because i feel so stupid. I also kept on apologizing to myself because i'm so awkward and quiet. I don't know i just feel like being sorry about myself.

As i dropped off, i went straight home and i wasn't able to use the internet that much because my cousin has the use the internet and i feel so sleep so i went on ahead. As i was lying on my bed, i suddenly had this feeling of wanting to cry until i finally did cry. And all i could ever thing about was

I'm so lonely.
I'm so stupid.
I hate being nice. Too nice.
I give too much but i receive nothing. I got nothing.
I feel so empty.
I feel so disgusted.
I know myself too much that i hate myself.
I hate myself so much. Too much.

Because i felt so alone. I wanted to have friends but i can't. I'm too scared. I feel so helpless. I realized how lonely i was. So lonely that i can't stop crying. Even writing this now makes me want to cry but i can't. I have to keep up. I don't want to feel weak but i'm so weak inside. I want to breakdown. But i don't know what i should do. I have such few friends. And my social skills are going down to zero. I'm lucky enough that i at least have few friends but i wanted to feel belonged. I want to belong but i can't. They don't like me, so why should i try hard? But it hurts so much. Because it so lonely. I'm so lonely.

I have these a lot of thoughts about myself. I know what i'm thinking about my flaws are true. Because i know myself too much. I'm too aware of how i am. But no one tells me these things. I wanted someone to tell me my flaws but no one does. I want someone to confirm what i really think about myself and it's breaking me down.

I was having a silent breakdown.

I'm trying to change but i just really can't. I can't... I'm so used to being this way that i don't know how to start. I'm so used to people talking to me instead that i do the approach way thing. I don't know. I just feel like saying this because i want to remember what i felt. I want to remember the pain i had last night.

I just don't know okay. All i know is that i'm lonely. How i wish i'd die soon.

Labels: My Feelings